just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
