I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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