Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
