is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
