i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
