my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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