yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
