you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
