So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
