I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
