I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my shit smells like andre
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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