I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
