apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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