Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize