Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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