it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
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