You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
