All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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