she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i need some magic done to my vagina
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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