dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
