And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize