go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize