I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
