I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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