i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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