As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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