mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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