They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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