You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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