mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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