She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
