Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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