you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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