sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
