Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
