I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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