i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
