did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have feelings that need drinking.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
