captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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