i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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