The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
