Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
