Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
