you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
