No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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