it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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