it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
