i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
