My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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