i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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