i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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