He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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