Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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