its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
