I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
People in love make me want to vomit
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
